I'll get away, get in the car. I gotta find you. I'll reach the shore before sunrise.
I’m trying to find everything I lost in a thousand waves, a million waves. Still, somewhere I am sure…
That I will see your face
I will see you there
Doesn’t matter what I feel for anyone now, I’ll always be in love with you. This song reminds me of the nights I stood on the beach and looked for you. Black waves coming up at me, the chill wind running through my hair, pulling my clothes. Making it cold, made it seem like you’d be gone forever.
I bleed but I'm choosing you again
I'm done but I'm ready to begin
In a thousand waves, a million waves
Oh still I look for love and all I see is your face
So I come back home to you
07 november 2008
28 oktober 2008
Bye bye "what-takes-me-through-the-day".
081028
I need to save some money now, bloody hell. Gonna start out with the smoking, since I often share my packet with 2 other people. We all three need to get a hold of the economy (almost except for one of us, who’s a greedy bastard, sorry for saying that) so I think I’m gonna start now, when November begins. So this is my first idea:
I’m gonna buy two packets in the beginning of the month –that’ll say on Monday when school starts. Then, I’m gonna keep one packet at school, my fellow and beloved miss Jewelry and I will share cigarette at three breaks and often take one each during the lunch. It gets expensive, but let’s see it like this:
One from her, next time it’s one from me, then if we share on the lunch it’s one from her, then we end with one from me.
That’d be 2 ciggs/day and after 5 days we’re up to 10 ciggs. 2 school-packets/month. And at home… Oh God at home. The thing is; my friends and I always share. We take from one first, the second time from the other one and so on. But when we’re together I smoke a lot. I might smoke up to 6 ciggarettes at one night. Gotta stop taking my packet with me, and of course not accept from the others. This is not a way of quitting the smoking, but I can’t take from them when I can’t give’em back, right? So where was I? Right, the home-packet. A half cigarette should be good as a morning-cigarette –the most important ones are the morning-and-night cigarettes- and then I can take the other half after the dinner. And… of course we have the after-sex cigarette…
So, let’s say 2 school-packets and 2 home-packets. This is not as expensive as the last months, where it’s been like 6 or 7 packets/month. Well, we’ll see how it goes! Miss Jewelry and I might even have a job coming up… but now, I’m gonna sit down and watch some TV which I haven’t done for weeks! Have the best, ya’ll.
I need to save some money now, bloody hell. Gonna start out with the smoking, since I often share my packet with 2 other people. We all three need to get a hold of the economy (almost except for one of us, who’s a greedy bastard, sorry for saying that) so I think I’m gonna start now, when November begins. So this is my first idea:
I’m gonna buy two packets in the beginning of the month –that’ll say on Monday when school starts. Then, I’m gonna keep one packet at school, my fellow and beloved miss Jewelry and I will share cigarette at three breaks and often take one each during the lunch. It gets expensive, but let’s see it like this:
One from her, next time it’s one from me, then if we share on the lunch it’s one from her, then we end with one from me.
That’d be 2 ciggs/day and after 5 days we’re up to 10 ciggs. 2 school-packets/month. And at home… Oh God at home. The thing is; my friends and I always share. We take from one first, the second time from the other one and so on. But when we’re together I smoke a lot. I might smoke up to 6 ciggarettes at one night. Gotta stop taking my packet with me, and of course not accept from the others. This is not a way of quitting the smoking, but I can’t take from them when I can’t give’em back, right? So where was I? Right, the home-packet. A half cigarette should be good as a morning-cigarette –the most important ones are the morning-and-night cigarettes- and then I can take the other half after the dinner. And… of course we have the after-sex cigarette…
So, let’s say 2 school-packets and 2 home-packets. This is not as expensive as the last months, where it’s been like 6 or 7 packets/month. Well, we’ll see how it goes! Miss Jewelry and I might even have a job coming up… but now, I’m gonna sit down and watch some TV which I haven’t done for weeks! Have the best, ya’ll.
20 oktober 2008
"American" is just another word for "cliché"
Don' really wanna call him a gangster, 'cause I didn't know him. But he died in a typical ghetto-fight which you often see here in the suburbs -or ghetto, like most of the people want it to be called. -Yes, they wan’it. They're actually fighting for the creation of an "American-ghetto". American is just another word for "cliché".
Like I said; a young man died in my neighbourhood two days ago. Stabbed to death by a fight for nothing. I didn't know him, but I know people who knew him. The worst part is, this is not the end of a war, it's the beginning of a war. I might have a part in it too. If I want too? What choice do I have? Let me ask you, would you flee or fight for others?
Rest in peace “Romario”.
17 oktober 2008
"*Starring at my legs*... Oh, you've been shopping?"
Oh gosh, guess who I met today? Or, of course you don't know who it is. It's a guy, few years older than me who I met in my hometown for the first time for 2 years ago. He was working at a place, and every time I went in there he was polite, and funny. It took one year (since I moved, I wasn't there so often) before we actually began to talk. Suddenly, he had my number and we decide to meet. Unfortunately(?) the day he called was the day after I got together with my (at-the-time-being)boyfriend. It felt really weird to go out and take a coffee with him only one week after D and I got together but... well, what to do. Like my mum said:"And how does D feel about you going on a date? ... Bah, not like it's gonna last forever anyway!" "Hahaha, thanks for the support, ma'?" I said
Well, we went out for coffees, after I broke up with D we also went to the cinema and so on... 5 months after we began to hang out I heard from his little brother's friend; This Mr L has a girlfriend. Since 3 years. I got kinda confused, why didn't he tell me 'bout it? Anyhow, to keep it short. He broke up with her while they were in Spain, called me 2 days after he got back. And kept on calling me nearly every day. All of a sudden, he stopped. (The same time my friend broke up with his little brother). Haven't seen him in 4 months, and, today, we met while my friend and I was out shopping. I had skin-colored leather boots, matching leather jacket, leggings and a white, long "sweater". He saw me, I stood with my back against him, and my friend told me he was there so I smirked, turned around and searched for him. I saw him, and kept looking so he simply HAD to look up and face me. Then he looked away again, but I kept on looking at him, and then he had to choices: Say hi, or run. He said hi."Why ello there, long time no see boy." I said and we gave each other a cold hi-hug. He was so nervous that I could barley stand straight. I just wanted to fall onto the floor and laugh.
I turned to look at my friend for 2 seconds, as I looked back; I caught him starring at my legs. When he noticed that I noticed him, he quickly looked at the bag from Wedins instead.
"... Oh, you've been shopping?".
Odd, very odd. But fun. Though a bit sad, 'cause he was really good company... And, what the fuck happened? He looked so fine before, but this time it was nothing special... Ah well.
Might write some more, 'cause I reeeally gotta take care of my apartment now. 17 and living alone, gotta show people I can handle it, still, though I've been living here since I was 16.
Well, we went out for coffees, after I broke up with D we also went to the cinema and so on... 5 months after we began to hang out I heard from his little brother's friend; This Mr L has a girlfriend. Since 3 years. I got kinda confused, why didn't he tell me 'bout it? Anyhow, to keep it short. He broke up with her while they were in Spain, called me 2 days after he got back. And kept on calling me nearly every day. All of a sudden, he stopped. (The same time my friend broke up with his little brother). Haven't seen him in 4 months, and, today, we met while my friend and I was out shopping. I had skin-colored leather boots, matching leather jacket, leggings and a white, long "sweater". He saw me, I stood with my back against him, and my friend told me he was there so I smirked, turned around and searched for him. I saw him, and kept looking so he simply HAD to look up and face me. Then he looked away again, but I kept on looking at him, and then he had to choices: Say hi, or run. He said hi."Why ello there, long time no see boy." I said and we gave each other a cold hi-hug. He was so nervous that I could barley stand straight. I just wanted to fall onto the floor and laugh.
I turned to look at my friend for 2 seconds, as I looked back; I caught him starring at my legs. When he noticed that I noticed him, he quickly looked at the bag from Wedins instead.
"... Oh, you've been shopping?".
Odd, very odd. But fun. Though a bit sad, 'cause he was really good company... And, what the fuck happened? He looked so fine before, but this time it was nothing special... Ah well.
Might write some more, 'cause I reeeally gotta take care of my apartment now. 17 and living alone, gotta show people I can handle it, still, though I've been living here since I was 16.
16 oktober 2008
Right Here Waiting.
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
Damn... I'm not really sure what to do about my life. It feels like I don't really have a life right now, the shcool is killing me, seriously. With at least 4 homeworks to each and every single day, and then 3 tests/week. No one said natur-science was easy, but let me just complain a little...
But then, I find my hope in one thing. In one person, as always.
I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Another thing that's keeping me struggling is this; If the teachers think I'm serious about the school and my studies, I might be one of the few students who get's to go to New York with the class. I so badly wanna do that... Just imagine, meeting tattoo artits in fucking NY and battle on the street... ok, I don't really believe it's that way, with the dance-battles and shit, but maybe, just maybe I might be able to make it like the typical gangsta-streetdance-american-movies, aight?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting
All this longing for something I don't have makes me feel like I'm not a person. My life will remain as a search, 'cause when the target is taken, I guess I'm gonna look for something else... or am I?
No... haha no. guess I'm just wishing it to be that way, 'cause I really hate being addicted to another person, like I've mentioned before. It's a hell lot of shrink-shit in all this. Gotta try to stop thinking so much 'bout it... but I really looove to figure the human mind out.
Now, I have to get back to the chemistry. I'll see ya, won' I?
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
Damn... I'm not really sure what to do about my life. It feels like I don't really have a life right now, the shcool is killing me, seriously. With at least 4 homeworks to each and every single day, and then 3 tests/week. No one said natur-science was easy, but let me just complain a little...
But then, I find my hope in one thing. In one person, as always.
I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Another thing that's keeping me struggling is this; If the teachers think I'm serious about the school and my studies, I might be one of the few students who get's to go to New York with the class. I so badly wanna do that... Just imagine, meeting tattoo artits in fucking NY and battle on the street... ok, I don't really believe it's that way, with the dance-battles and shit, but maybe, just maybe I might be able to make it like the typical gangsta-streetdance-american-movies, aight?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting
All this longing for something I don't have makes me feel like I'm not a person. My life will remain as a search, 'cause when the target is taken, I guess I'm gonna look for something else... or am I?
No... haha no. guess I'm just wishing it to be that way, 'cause I really hate being addicted to another person, like I've mentioned before. It's a hell lot of shrink-shit in all this. Gotta try to stop thinking so much 'bout it... but I really looove to figure the human mind out.
Now, I have to get back to the chemistry. I'll see ya, won' I?
15 oktober 2008
When True Colours Will Bleed.
The photo-shoot yesterday was totally ok. No seriously, my day turned out to be good. I love being in front of the camera... and after a few beers, it gets even better!
Though I'm getting pissed every single time I walk in to the bathroom.. (read the post below)
The fall is here for real now. Can't believe how beautiful it is with all these colors. As I left the school and made my way to the bus, I found a red leaf. Drenched in a dark red color, the only thing it could remind me of was blood. Then I began to think about what I learned so many years ago; The tree is absorbing it's nourishment (now, is that the right word?) from the leaves to survive the winter, waiting for new ones the following year. I kept on walking but still had that red leaf on my mind. Maybe it's the same with people. Maybe it's the same with me. Most of the time, during the fall and winter actually, I do feel like breaking all the connections I have with my friends here. Well, maybe not all of them but most of them. Sometimes I throw them out of my life too (I am very forgiving, so they must've done something really bad to deserve that) and of course I miss them sometimes. But just like it takes time for the ground to hid and break down the fallen leaves, I guess it takes as much time for my heart.
But I usually never miss. So that's kind of a lie... though old feelings tends to come back sometimes... It's me and myself, how sad it might seem. No, I never miss them so much I want'em back, not if it was my choice... I miss two persons, that'll say, them I do miss all the time... and Johnny Depp. But let's leave him outta the picture, shall we? (*drooling*)
It was not a choice made by anyone to be so far away from them (just so you don't get it wrong: the two persons, not Johnny-boy).
Some of my friends are addicted to me for many reasons, how bad it sounds when I say it myself, but it's their own words.
Am I the tree to them, and in order to find the balance in my life, am I without noticing killing them in one way?
I... I can't understand that... all the trust they have in me. I've never felt that way for anyone, ever. Not even for my family. I live a life with a lot of people who loves me, but still I am alone. Maybe, maybe it's my own choice, 'cause you can't trust anyone but yourself.
Since I've lived a life of... how can I say? - I've always been there for everyone, he/she/it didn't even have to be my friend. It's easy to get to know me, but to understand and actually see me, the deeper side if you wanna sound a lil' more poetic, is something people never finds out. "I'm not lying, I'm just not telling."
Anyhow, it was really fun to notice that compared to the lives of the friends I grew up with, I was the one who needed protection, and love and someone to talk to. Since I never had that, I became everything I needed... for others.
Ain't it ironic?
And... I would never steal it's green color from everyone. Maybe that's why I barely survive.
Though I'm getting pissed every single time I walk in to the bathroom.. (read the post below)
The fall is here for real now. Can't believe how beautiful it is with all these colors. As I left the school and made my way to the bus, I found a red leaf. Drenched in a dark red color, the only thing it could remind me of was blood. Then I began to think about what I learned so many years ago; The tree is absorbing it's nourishment (now, is that the right word?) from the leaves to survive the winter, waiting for new ones the following year. I kept on walking but still had that red leaf on my mind. Maybe it's the same with people. Maybe it's the same with me. Most of the time, during the fall and winter actually, I do feel like breaking all the connections I have with my friends here. Well, maybe not all of them but most of them. Sometimes I throw them out of my life too (I am very forgiving, so they must've done something really bad to deserve that) and of course I miss them sometimes. But just like it takes time for the ground to hid and break down the fallen leaves, I guess it takes as much time for my heart.
But I usually never miss. So that's kind of a lie... though old feelings tends to come back sometimes... It's me and myself, how sad it might seem. No, I never miss them so much I want'em back, not if it was my choice... I miss two persons, that'll say, them I do miss all the time... and Johnny Depp. But let's leave him outta the picture, shall we? (*drooling*)
It was not a choice made by anyone to be so far away from them (just so you don't get it wrong: the two persons, not Johnny-boy).
Some of my friends are addicted to me for many reasons, how bad it sounds when I say it myself, but it's their own words.
Am I the tree to them, and in order to find the balance in my life, am I without noticing killing them in one way?
I... I can't understand that... all the trust they have in me. I've never felt that way for anyone, ever. Not even for my family. I live a life with a lot of people who loves me, but still I am alone. Maybe, maybe it's my own choice, 'cause you can't trust anyone but yourself.
Since I've lived a life of... how can I say? - I've always been there for everyone, he/she/it didn't even have to be my friend. It's easy to get to know me, but to understand and actually see me, the deeper side if you wanna sound a lil' more poetic, is something people never finds out. "I'm not lying, I'm just not telling."
Anyhow, it was really fun to notice that compared to the lives of the friends I grew up with, I was the one who needed protection, and love and someone to talk to. Since I never had that, I became everything I needed... for others.
Ain't it ironic?
And... I would never steal it's green color from everyone. Maybe that's why I barely survive.
14 oktober 2008
Trapped in the Eyes of a Stranger.
My life with you means everything so I won’t give up that easily.
I got a lot to say to you, So where the hell did you go? Two summers ago I noticed your eyes were always glued to me, couldn’t keep your eyes away from me. What can I say? You caught my sight and heart.
As I take the last cigarette for tonight -yes, already going to sleep- I think of you. I begin to think about what happened last time we met, finding myself smiling at it. Then, I fly away to a strange place in my mind, wondering and starting to imagine what could’ve been. I tried to flee from the thoughts of you, I tried to kill my feelings but they all seem to come back. I thought, if I found someone else to love I would forget about you, but I can’t find the same kind of love. Though I’ve been, and still is being loved, in a relationship-kind-of-way, I’ve never suceeded to love someone as much. "This love is killin me but you’re the only one."
I was blown away, what could I say, It all seemed to make sense.
You’ve taken away everything -and I can’t deal with that. I try to see the good in life, but good things in life are hard to find.
I’ve taken all I can take and I cannot wait, we’re wasting too much time...
My Photo-shoot's Gonna Suck.
Could my morning get any worse? I don't even know if I got any sleep tonight, then I woke up with rashes all over my fucking face. I even went to bed earlier just to be able to fix me -you know, shave my legs, fix the eyebrows, and simply take a shower- which means I had to get up eraly too. I got up half an hour later than planned, but it was ok, I still had the time.
I went into the bathroom, prepearing the shower and deciding the heat. Then I went into the kitchen to prepear the coffe -it took less than one minute. When I turned to face the bathroom again I'm greeted by a sight of my bathroom filled with water.
"..what the..?"
No time for shower, which means no shaving of the legs. I had time for two things - get dressed fast as hell and drink my coffee in 5 seconds since I had to clean the goddamn bathroom floor.
So I was waiting for the bus, I had 5 minutes on the counter so I lit a cigarette. 5 minutes passed, my cigarett is gone. 10 minutes pass. Then it's 30 minutes.
So I got late for my nature-science class, my photogtapher is sick but he told me, and promised, that we would make the photo-shoot today anyhoo.
This is not my day, and I think I catched a cold. Oh, and also, my ex-boyfriend who's been treating me like shit since I broke up with him (ok, maybe obvious, but I had my reasons and he knows it!), is back. Still miss him as a friend, so that hurts kinda bad.
I was so excited for the photo-shoot, that's why these small things upsets me.
Sorry, gonna try to keep my mood up at bit. Sorry dudes, talk to you later.
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